A Lesson in Respect
by Diamond Mask
Summary: Gaara and Kankuro have always made it clear that Temari is theirs and only theirs. Unfortunately for them, Hidan was never a man to take it lying down. Crackfic.


**A Lesson in Respect**

**Disclaimer:** This authoress does not own _Naruto _or any of the respective characters.

**Warnings:** Extreme profanity ahead, courtesy of Hidan.

**A/N: **This was inspired by firefly's 'Impromptu Inquiry', in which Gaara and Kankuro make it clear to Shikamaru just who Temari belongs to. After reading that, I couldn't help but throw Hidan into the middle where Gaara and Kankuro try to do the same thing.

* * *

There was an unwritten rule in the Sabaku household, and the rule was this: Temari was not allowed to date.

Now, this particular rule had arisen because her siblings happened to be two very volatile, very protective and very possessive boys, who viewed every male that approached their older sister as a threat. They would not stand for the idea of some boy pawing at their precious Temari anymore than they could stand to think that Temari would _want_ them to.

Temari herself was unaware of this rule. This was because Kankuro was scared shitless by his equally volatile sister; Gaara had no reason to be, but since he needed someone to be around to make his coffee in the mornings (he had a tendency to destroy the expresso machine when it refused to do what he wanted), he was quite happy to play along. However, neither brother wanted to be on the receiving end of her wrath if she knew about this rule.

Temari wasn't the only Sabaku with a temper.

Of course, all of this meant that when a boy did show up on their doorstep wanting to take Temari out on a date, the Sabaku brothers convinced him to disappear very quickly. Strangely enough, their sister never suspected their involvement, but assumed that guys were simply intimidated by her village status as jounin and sister to the Kazekage.

Enforcing this rule proved ridiculously easy. Boys from Suna were simple to get rid of, and those from Konoha proved to be equally straightforward. It had taken remarkably little 'persuasion' from Kankuro and Gaara to convince Shikamaru that Temari was not the one he was going to be having a planned 'one girl, one boy' family with.

They had a certain knack for sharing their vision with others, so you see. Temari was theirs and _only_ theirs, it was that simple.

At least it was until _he_ showed up.

* * *

"I have a date tonight."

Neither of her brothers blinked an eye at her announcement. Kankuro was the first to say something.

"So? What does that have to do with us?"

She rolled her eyes. "You usually demand to know where I'm going every time I turn around, Kankuro. I'm just telling you now so you don't embarrass me later."

"Oh, we _embarrass_ you. Glad to hear you admit it, Tem. Thanks for letting us know how you really feel."

"Whatever," she sighed. Getting into this now would seriously ruin her buoyant mood. This was her first date in weeks and she was determined to let nothing ruin her mood. _Especially_ not her insane brothers. "Just make dinner for yourselves, okay?"

The two siblings said nothing except a monotonous "fine", but turned to give each other forebodingly significant looks when she left Gaara's office.

"You know what this means, right?"

Gaara nodded, a closed expression settling over his features as he set down his pen. "This date must be eliminated," he said, in the voice that had caused a thousand shinobi to wet themselves.

Kankuro grinned, cracking his knuckles.

"That asshole won't know what hit him when we're done…"

* * *

Kankuro and Gaara were lying in wait under the pretence of watching TV when the doorbell rang. The older brother grinned, almost rubbing his hands together in glee.

"You want to get that, Gaara?" he said casually.

When it came to intimidation, the redhead was a natural expert and no one knew that better than Kankuro. The effect was doubled when Gaara donned his Kazekage robes, and although he couldn't wear those without arousing Temari's suspicion, he still cut a menacing figure in his normal clothes.

Gaara opened the door, frightening glare already firmly in place "Yes?" he asked impassively.

The stranger leaning against the doorframe smirked. "You must be Gaara," he drawled. "Hey. I'm Hidan. I'm here to pick up Temari."

Gaara raised a brow. So… this was the guy who had the nerve to ask _his_ sister out on a date. What's more, this 'Hidan' looked like a playboy, he decided, scowl deepening as he examined his appearance. With his fair silky hair, violet eyes, and overall naughty demeanour, the man was definitely dangerous. His arrogant smirk didn't help matters either – and neither did his partially unbuttoned shirt. No, there was no way in hell they were entrusting Temari to a _playboy_.

As far as Gaara was concerned, the only 'picking up' this man was going to do was the retrieval of his severed limbs.

He moved aside. "Please, come in," Gaara said politely, suppressing the urge to reduce Hidan to a pile of sand-encrusted entrails.

Hidan sauntered inside with a cursory "thanks", flopping down on the coach without waiting for an invitation.

Kankuro, seated on the opposite with his arms folded, raised a brow. "Hi," he said in his best menacing voice, leaning forward slightly to emphasise his poisonous glare.

Hidan didn't even blink. "Hi yourself."

"So… you're Hidan."

"Yeah, I kinda noticed that." The silver-haired man looked him up and down and sneered. "_You_ must be Kankuro."

Kankuro pursed his lips. "Yes, I am. I take it you've met my younger brother, the Kazekage?" he said pointedly as Gaara sat down beside him.

Hidan lifted his hand lazily in a half wave. "Yeah. Gaara, right?"

The redhead nodded silently, but Kankuro cut in, "that's Gaara-_sama_, by the way."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes," the puppet master said slowly, as if he were speaking to a small child. "Because he is the _Kazekage_. As a visitor to our village, you owe him your respect. Didn't they teach you to respect your superiors where you come from?"

It was Hidan's turn to raise a brow. "Well, I don't know that he's my _superior_…"

Kankuro swelled like a bullfrog. This guy was already on thin ice because he dared to ask Temari out, but to insult Gaara? Insult _his_ brother, the Kazekage?

Oh, hell no.

"Listen, asshole–" he snarled, rising with his fists clenched before Gaara raised one arm in front of him.

"Enough, Kankuro. You're being rude to our guest."

"What the– _I'm_ being rude?"

"Yes," the younger sibling said flatly in his no-nonsense tone. "Now sit down and be quiet."

Kankuro obeyed reluctantly, shooting daggers at their 'guest'.

Hidan was watching them both with a bored expression on his face. "Hey," he said loudly. "This bonding crap is nice and all, but where's Temari? I made dinner reservations and I don't want to be late."

"She's still getting ready," Gaara said patiently. "But I'm enjoying our little talk, Hidan. I'd like to get to know you better."

The older man made a face. "That's seriously gay," he muttered under his breath.

Gaara's brow furrowed. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

Kankuro rolled his eyes. His little brother could be so damn _clueless _sometimes… but he still kept quiet.

"Well," the redhead continued, still looking a bit puzzled, "we have a few questions we'd like you to answer."

Hidan slouched back and yawned. "So ask."

Gaara leaned forward, all politeness and friendliness disappearing. Kankuro smirked as the temperature in the lounge dropped ten degrees.

"What are your intentions with our sister?"

"My intentions?" Hidan repeated, squinting at him.

"Yes. What do you plan on doing with Temari?"

Hidan frowned, but then smiled. "That's really none of your goddamn business," he said pleasantly.

Kankuro shot up from the couch. "_What the hell did you just say_?"

The youngest sibling just stared at him. "Are you serious?" he asked after a moment.

"Damn straight."

"I see… then that leaves us with no choice."

Hidan grimaced as the brothers rose simultaneously and advanced towards him. "You know," he remarked loudly, "you guys need therapy. Both of you have sister-complexes, and that's disturbing shit, seriously."

"Shut up," Kankuro said coldly, coming to within an inch of Hidan.

The violet eyes narrowed. "You're invading my personal space," he warned. "Just so you know, I'm sort of particular about guys getting close. I'm not going to be responsible for what happens if you don't listen."

Kankuro cracked his knuckles threateningly. "Trust me," he growled, "you're gonna be a lot less particular when we're done with you."

Gaara just nodded in agreement.

Hidan's smile disappeared completely and he finally lost it. "Listen, fuckface," he snapped. "I swear if you lay one goddamn hand on me, I'll fucking rip it off and shove it so far up your ass a fucking _surgeon_ won't even be able to remove it."

The puppet master froze, looking shell-shocked. "W-What?" he stammered. Even Gaara looked a little stunned. They had heard bad language before, but this… this was vile. Creative, yes, but _vile_.

"Yeah, you heard me. Seriously, I've met a pretty sad bunch of pricks in my lifetime, but you two take the cake. What the fuck is your problem? I'm going to take your sister out on a date, _one_ _lousy date_, which is none of your fucking business in the first place, but you've still got the goddamn nerve to interrogate me! What the hell, do I look like a freaking serial killer or something? Do I look like I'm gonna drag her behind a sand dune and hack her up into fucking pieces?"

"Uh, Hidan–"

"_Shut up_, you sack of shit. God, I've only known you for fifteen minutes and you're already pissing me off. If I had to spend another hour alone with you, I'd fucking kill you, seriously."

Kankuro swallowed nervously. Gaara just continued listening with wide eyes. No one had dared talk to him in this manner before, _ever_. It was disturbing, yet oddly refreshing at the same time.

Still ranting, Hidan got up off the couch and they both took a step back.

"Luckily for you, Temari seems to like having you fuck-ups around. But guess what? _I don't_. You guys are the worst pieces of shit I've ever met – and I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of you if I could. And you know, I tried to be nice, I really did. But you just threw it back in my face. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is your malfunction? Then you've got the fucking nerve to talk to me about respect… hah, I'll teach you about fucking _respect_. When I get through with you, you'll be shitting respect for a week!"

He paused, taking a deep breath to refresh his tirade and glaring at them venomously.

"Now. Sit the fuck down."

They obeyed.

"Okay, listen up, assholes. There are going to be some changes around here – _my_ rules. If you don't follow them, there's gonna be hell to pay. Rule number one: I'm dating your older sister and that means I demand _respect_. Got that?"

"But you haven't even been on a date yet–"

"Did I say you could talk?" Hidan barked.

"No," Kankuro mumbled, sinking deeper into the cushions.

"No _what_?"

"No… Hidan-sama."

"Better," Hidan said with a satisfied air. "That's the respect I'm talking about. Rule Number Two: it's none of your goddamn business what I do with Temari. If she wants to tell you, fine, but you assholes don't have the right to demand information from either of us. You know what _we_ want you to know. Is that clear?"

The brothers stared at him in sullen silence.

"Hey, I asked you a question. If I don't get an answer, you'll get my foot up your ass so fast you'll be in fucking orbit before you even know what hit you. Now, _is that clear_?"

"Yes, Hidan-sama," they muttered in unison.

"Good. Rule number three: don't piss me off, cause I swear it will be the last fucking thing you do." He paused, glaring fiercely at them. "So, have your pathetic brains understood everything I've said? Are there going to be any problems from now on?"

"No, Hidan-sama," they sighed.

"Cause if you don't behave yourselves, there will be consequences. And trust me, you _don't_ want to know what those are."

They nodded obediently.

"So…" he regarded them sternly. "Are we cool?"

They nodded again.

"Yes, we're cool," Kankuro assured him hurriedly, before the man could launch into another vicious verbal assault. "Hidan-sama."

Hidan smiled his approval.

"I'm glad we understand each other."

They sat in stony silence for a further ten minutes, Hidan just watching them with that insufferable smirk pasted on his smug face. When Temari finally came into the room, the silver-haired man stood up gallantly, fully armed with the naughty yet innocent grin that made her melt.

"You look fucking great, Temari, seriously."

Temari blushed. "Thanks," she said flippantly, hiding her pleasure. She craned her head past his shoulder to glare at her brothers sitting rigidly on the couch. "I hope my brothers haven't given you any trouble." Because if they had, there was going to be _hell_ to pay later.

"Oh no, your brothers and I were getting to know each better," he remarked casually. "And we were doing just _fabulously_, right guys? We've come to quite an understanding."

Kankuro forced his face into a smile. "Sure," he bit out painfully. "Just fabulous."

"Hidan is… Hidan is a great guy, Temari." Gaara added graciously, yet somewhat agonizingly.

Hidan just smiled.

Temari stared at him, slightly impressed. No guy she had dated before had been able to coax even an ounce of respect from her volatile brothers. Hidan must really be something special then, she decided, flashing him a mega-watt smile.

"You know what?" she said thoughtfully, missing the horrified looks on her brother's faces as she linked arms with Hidan.

"I get the feeling that you're going to be around for a very long time…"


End file.
